A grief observed 3&4

What started out as a sad story, but real, turned into something more in my eyes. I was very surprised as in the middle of chapter 3, Lewis's mood and thoughts completely took a 180 turn. This book is completely filled with marvelous quotes cover to cover. One part of the book that i love was the part that he realized that his thoughts and emotions were almost selfish, in which he was not all at concerned with his feelings and his pain, but not H's pain that she went through when she died. He was talking about how he wished she could come back, but then he says something so profound. He says, "Could i have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again? They call Stephen the first martyr. Hadn't Lazarus the rawer deal?" This quote really opened my eyes to something i have never thought about before. Obviously, anyone who has gone to church for some time has heard the miraculous story of Lazarus, and how amazing it was and how blessed he was to come back from the dead. But Lewis makes a great point. He has to die all over again! I am not sure if it would be worth the trip to the dead and back! then, he states some more profound statements as he talks about the bolted door of God. His origional mood was that God slammed the door in his face and that he bolted it from the inside when he was in desperate need. But now he thinks that he has drowned the voice of hope with his own screaming for help. He was trying to 'bang the door down', when God was ready to answer. It made me think of how often this happens in my life, when i think that God has not heard or responded or God does not 'show up', but the reality is that i have not opened my eyes or listened to his voice! Then Lewis wakes up one day and now he can see clearly because his vision is not blurred by tears. This whole story was absolutely amazing and i am glad to read something so raw and real. This is a real life situation that unfortunately we all will have to face at some point or another.
I attended tiger flowers cemetery today and i walked around peacefully and meditated for over 40 minutes. I took some pictures that i will post on here. This exercise brought this book to life. On one grave, i saw fresh purple flowers and i literally could see that part in the book when the man is going to the grave to take care of a loved ones grave. It was a strange feeling as i was putting myself into Lewis's shoes and thinking about what it would be like to visit my wife in the grave. Wow. i dont even want to comprehend this. One thing that really struck me was thinking about how we drive by cemeteries almost every day and we respect them, but they dont mean that much to us, until we have a loved one inside the cemetery. all of the sudden, that place has a new meaning, a reality to us. Lewis talks about this in his book, and actually going to the cemetery made me realize this reality. It was a positive experience.